Boredom.

It's that lovely time again, when I have to go to the lovely hospital and wait an hour to get my mum's lovely medication. Lovely! And to make things even... lovelier, the doctor is late so it's going to take even longer. I don't understand the inefficiency and downright lack of professionalism in hospitals here, it drives me nuts. This hospital especially, I spent a good portion of the worst days of my life here and it always puts me a little on edge having to be here. Always. I usually have someone accompanying me, but I'm on my own today. *sad face*

I found a blogger app on the App Store, I'm basically posting to both alleviate my boredom by making time go by faster and to test it out. I'm gonna just start listing random things on my mind now, and you can't stop me 'cause well.. you just can't.

- I feel I'm a little schizophrenic when I post on here, I really am just talking to myself in public, it's not like anyone's really reading this.

- I hate kids who stare openly at me, I don't feel like they should be held to an easier set of rules 'cause they don't know better, polite is polite. hmph. This kid next to me is staring, so I stared back until he looked away. THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE. Others have the audacity to just keep staring and like, enough already you creepy midgets. :(

- I make about 10,000 useless trips to the supermarket a day with my cousins, solely to listen to music and scream along to it in my car. It's awesome and embarrassing 'cause we almost always get caught by people in cars next to us who then proceed to make fun of us or follow us home. I don't even know why they'd do that!

- LOL at arabs celebrating Obama's extended presidency. It tickles me how involved they are in this election that has nothing to do with them, there's being influenced by American culture, then there's deluding yourself into thinking you're American. But whatever, I'm not going to pretend to be interested in politics, I just found it funny.

- My dad, who avoids hospitals at all costs is getting a full checkup done. This is worrisome, I'm very concerned, but I'm trying not to expect the worst.

- The other doctor just arrived, hopefully they'll give me the prescription back sometime soon. *sigh*

- I know I just posted a song of the week, but my song for today is "Think of You" by A Fine Frenzy. "Just to put your mind at ease, you don't owe me anything, you paid me well in memories." Beautiful.

Okay, my phone is dying and I've already went on for too long. Going to post this now, hopefully it won't share all my pictures, address and number. Don't look at me like that, I don't trust the Internet!

P.S. This is either my lack of sleep or paranoia, but I swear to god, I just heard the child hiss my name. HISS. :(

-Lilo.

Changin' It Up.

So, I've done the little miss gloom and doom thing for a bit too long. Today, I woke up deciding to focus on the positive.. I know, I'm incredibly bipolar, but I'm gonna lie to myself and say it's all part of my charm. *bats eyelashes*

So, things I'm grateful for today:

• Random appreciation messages. (H randomly whatsapped me saying that she's glad I'm her only friend, 'cause having me means she doesn't need another. I love this girl.)
• H, herself. My only source of unconditional love, blind faith and endless support. 
• Belated apologies. Thank you again, it meant a lot to me. 
• My family, namely my crazy cousin M for helping me out around the house more than anyone else.
• Revlon's "Wine With Everything" lipstick. *pouts*
• Essie's "Mint Candy Apple" nail polish. I'm feeling ultra girly today, forgive me. 
• Coffee, coffee and coffee. No explanations necessary. 
• BOOTS. Not the store, feet boots. Wow, that sounded dumb. I'm not so much into shoes, but boots are my weakness and winter is right around the corner! *insert squeals here*
• The XX. Brilliant British indie pop band.  Song of the week? Sunset. 

10:58 PM.

Every time I have a fallout with someone who happens to read my blog, I feel the need to delete it and fall off the map completely, but I refuse to this time. I don't even know if you're still checking this, but I don't really care. I'm not going to filter myself for your benefit and really, there's no use in me being upset about it anymore, I trusted the wrong person and it is what it is. I'm always excited to learn new things, so thank you for teaching me the importance of keeping my guard up. It was an inadvertent and rather cruelly taught lesson, but I'm stronger for it. I guess I just desperately wanted to believe in people again; I desperately wanted to believe in you.

On an unrelated note, I've been feeling blue lately and it's getting to me. I hate not being productive, it gives me way too much time with my thoughts. I understand that I have responsibilities at home that take precedence and my life has to be put on hold for a little while longer, but when is it okay to be selfish and want more for yourself? Never, yeah? Thought so. I'm just in a weird funk lately and I can't seem to shake it off. I feel like an exposed nerve, anything and everything is getting to me and I wish it would stop 'cause this isn't me and as I'm typing this, I'm wondering if I even know who "me" is anymore. All I know is that I feel trapped, and I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel.

Okay, enough venting for now. I've mentioned how much I love Lana Del Rey previously, yes? Good. This is my latest obsession. I don't know which I like more, the song, or the intro/outro. Anyway, this song just really hits home, so I thought I'd share.

"Who are you? Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you’re free to experience them?
I have. I am fucking crazy but I am free." and I hope to be, too, someday.

Okay, enough of my mega-emo post. Good night!

-Lilo.

Gravity Hurts.

I hate, hate, hate that I'm identifying with a Katy Perry song, but "Wide Awake" is all sorts of genius and accurately depicts my current state of mind better than I can ever hope to put into words.

I won't get into details as to why, 'cause I'm in no mood to discuss it or elaborate in any way, so I'm going to rant in the vaguest way possible. Okay? Here goes.. I try to play the optimist sometimes, not that it ever does me any good, but it works for the happy people, so why not? I'll tell you why not, 'cause optimism comes hand in hand with hope, which invites expectations, and you know what follows expectations? Disappointment. Heaps and heaps of disappointment.

I'm often accused of being "emotionally stunted" by those closest to me, and I agree to a certain extent, 'cause I didn't grow up in an environment where freedom of expression was welcomed. Having said that, I'm going to attempt to put into words how I'm feeling right now.. I'm hurt, I'm confused, I'm angry and against my better judgement, I miss you. I don't understand why you're doing what you're doing, but I wish you'd stop and take two minutes out of your busy life to talk to me about it. I don't expect you to though, that would imply that I had some optimism left in me, and I assure you, you've officially stripped me off of that last shred of hope.

- Lilo.

P.S. Are you superstitious? I was wondering, 'cause I have a horrible feeling in my gut that I can't seem to shake and I just feel like if I left the house right now, something catastrophic would happen. My cousins think I'm crazy and are urging me to take them out, but I'm firmly standing my ground and overdosing on grey's anatomy. It's silly, right? Superstitions, that is. I don't know. *sigh*

You Know What? You're Lovely*

Good morning, jellybeans! This is my first post as a university graduate. *suppresses grin*
I've had such a shitty time in KU, that I'm literally celebrating EVERY post-graduation event. This may sound ridiculous, but in practice, it's even worse. I'm talking about things like *sneezes* "OMG THAT'S MY FIRST SNEEZE AS A GRADUATE!"... yeah.

So, I suddenly have an exorbitant amount of free time on my hands and I'm utterly bored. Mostly 'cause my bestie's out of the country for the next two months and that kind of put a damper on my "fun" summer, but all shall be amended in August, hopefully. My other friends are quick to adopt the I-told-you-so attitude and go all, "I told you you'd miss it when you're done!".... trust me, I don't. I miss any semblance of productivity, yes, but miss classes? Hell no. I'm sure I'll find a hobby to keep me busy any day now, and if I don't.. well World of Warcraft is always an option to fall back on. (HAHA, I like how I say that like I'm NOT totally planning on playing again extremely soon. I'm a total dork, sue me.) In the meantime, I'm catching up with my reading and that's always a wonderful way to pass time.

That's all I have time for right now, must go shape eyebrows. *nods* One more day, and I'm going to start looking like Oscar The Grouch. Not really, but perfectionism is a bitch. 

-Lilo.

P.S. * Title is from Frank Sinatra's "I Won't Dance", somebody auditioned to it on this week's episode of SYTYCD. Great listen.

P.P.S. "Lovely" really is such a lovely word, isn't it?

We'll Be Good..

I promise, we'll be sooo good.. *sigh* brilliant song. You guys, when did Canadians become such good musicians again? I mean, I lost all hope when Satan's spawn surfaced (more commonly known as justin bieber), but I've gotta say, I'm feeling The Weeknd. I'm really, really feeling him. He's no Drake, obviously, but I must give credit where credit is due! Do yourselves a favour and listen to this.


That's all I've got to say at this very moment in time, I'm quite busy with finals, but I decided to be a good Lilo and share awesome music with you. I've got to go back to studying, and by "studying", I mean watching So You Think You Can Dance. It's a guilty pleasure, sue me.. actually, I don't even feel the slightest bit of guilt for watching it. *insert appropriate amount of shame here* Actually no, I'm not even ashamed. Hmph. 

- Lilo.

On My Mind.

I loathe drama, I sincerely do. What I fail to realise is that I AM drama. Not personally, but the events of my life would fit very nicely into a soap opera scenario and as a result of that, I'm a bit more complicated than I'd like to be.

When I warned you about all these things I cannot control, these feelings I cannot share, these actions I cannot explain, I was being honest. I wasn't creating the illusion of being inaccessible, I wasn't trying to draw you in with my "mysterious nature". I was being honest; you couldn't handle it.

But you insisted on staying. Your fascination with my world was entirely inappropriate, it is not nearly as pleasant as you make it out to be. You wanted to help, you wanted to be my "saviour", and against my better judgement, I started to wonder if you're what I was missing. I wondered if you could actually make a difference.

And I let you in.

And you disappointed me.

Story of my life.

-Lilo

S-S-Summertime, Summertime Sadness.

Song by the lovely Lana Del Rey. I'm quite obsessed with her music, it truly is brilliant, even though it's not my usual cup of tea. I think it's her borderline masochistic approach to relationships, and the fact that she says she's always singing about "the same damn guy" who she'll always love, no matter what. Something about that commitment reminds me of a previous version of myself. Previous.

Speaking of summer, I'm completely irked by its arrival. Well it isn't fully here yet, so let's just call it "its tentative knocking on the door". Okay, there's nothing tentative about it, but back to the main point, it's irksome. I heartily dislike summer, as you've probably gathered from the previous post. I think I'm possibly the only one amongst my friends who isn't completely psyched about tanning and beaches and all that jazz. I'm already tan and beaches are filthy. And the heat? Ay dios mio, NO. Noooo. *pushes it away* I much prefer biting cold or relentless rain. Rain. *insert sigh of content here*

It rained today, quite a bit. Absolutely beautiful! I drove all the way to uni and sat in my car in the parking lot, waiting for it to be 10 AM, so I can get to class. Then I realised that the weather was too lovely to waste away in classrooms, and decided to go rain-chasing. Rain-chasing? Oh, that's just a term I invented. It drizzled a little bit on my way to uni, so I decided my time would be MUCH better spent, chasing the rain. Yeah, it's not as sophisticated an explanation as you'd like it to be. *giggles to self* I went from area, to area, going on different roads, trying to find where the rain was. Some areas were rewarding, others completely disappointing. But that, paired with music ranging from Nirvana to the likes of Lana, was actually quite entertaining.

I tweeted about my plans for the day earlier, and my friend responded by saying that there was no such thing as "aimless driving about", that sooner or later, you'd always end up in the supermarket. And he was actually correct, my journey did in fact end up at the supermarket to get my ice-cream fix! Sorcery, I know.

Pralines and Cream heaven, not a terrible start to the weekend. Hope you guys have a good one! x

- Lilo.

Crazeballs

That's my current favourite word. I feel like it accurately portrays the alarmingly high level of sophistication I possess. Crazeballs. Except if it's paired with "totes", not even I can handle that.


Today, I'm going to list a few things I hate. It's only a few things, really.


*insert sweet, misleading smile here*

• When people make excessively huge deals about their birthdays. Calm your ducking tips. (censored, obviously.) I feel very nice for saying WHEN people do that, and not saying that I hate the people themselves.

• The number 5. Looks like a knocked-up ho. And no numbers should come after 4, as it is perfect in every way.

• Seafood. It all tastes like rubber, as does halloum. Yeah, I also hate cheese.

• Self-proclaimed "Grammar Nazis" with poor grammar. Yes, this time I'm actually hating on the people. Claiming that you're a grammar nazi doesn't magically elevate your level of intelligence, or whatever it is you're going for.. it just makes you look like twice the douchebag when you fuck something up.

• When people leave spaces before question/exclamation marks. Are you questioning the space? Is there something particularly exciting about the space? EXPLAIN THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE SPACE, PLEASE.

• The colour yellow. I always associate it with sick people, and it makes me sad.

• Excessively cheerful people before noon. No, just no. Which brings me to my next thing, the sun. I heartily dislike the sun.

• "Group projects". Yeah, me. All me, and I have to share the satisfaction of presenting an excellent project with bimbos who can't even spell my last name. Which is written on the cover page of everything *I* hand in on behalf of the "group". Yeah.

• Sundays. Self-explanatory.

Ha. Told you it'd only be a few things. Trust me, I have WAY more.

P.S. The electricity just went out in the entire house for no apparent reason, fun stuff.

- Lilo.

Early Morning Rant

Hello. I've been up since about 4 AM, and I've finally given in to the fact that I won't be going back to sleep, so I shall grace my... two readers with a post.

I'm so sick of people's feeling. Seriously, take a cue from me and be a freakin' robot 'cause you're killing me here. I am the queen of "help! my friend has feelings for me, what do I do?", and I know that people are starving, dying and living in dire conditions, but given the amount of times this has happened to me in the past, I will be a selfish, ungrateful baby and allow myself to say: fuck my life. I've lost yet another friend to his unnecessary and grossly misplaced feelings and it sucks, 'cause I miss him quite terribly. Oops, that was a feeling. *suppresses it* SEE? NOT THAT HARD, PEOPLE.

At 22 (wow, I'm 22. Yeah, it's recent), I finally got my first car. Apparently, I inadvertently guilted my dad into buying it, oops? But the result is favourable to me, so I shall bask in the lovely warmth of having a new car that is all MINE. Or is it? The family car conveniently decided to stop functioning two days after I got mine and I've had to share my baby with the driver for the past two days. The family car should be ready to pick up today, but I'm still a bit miffed over the whole thing. Mine. *grabs car*

The weather has been unforgivably dusty, I feel like some of it has taken root in my lungs and I'm perpetually breathing sand at this point. Silver lining? Classes have been cancelled for the day. *insert grin here* Negative side? I'm left alone with my thoughts all day and that's never a good thing. Oh well! Shan't even waste my energy on a sadface. *sneezes* Effing dust.

I can't stop listening to Drive By- Train. And a friend of mine teases me about it, 'cause his interpretation of it is that I'm just THAT excited about my car, and everything has to be driving-related. Yeah, no. It's cute! Makes me a bit dance-y though, which is fine.. except when people start looking. *insert cringe here* Anyway, yeah, that's my current guilty pleasure.

And that shall be all for now! I'm going back to watching friends in bed. Oh em gee, you guyth, It'th like totally eckthiting, rachel is toteth preggerth and joey ith in love with hurr. Don't ask, I can't explain why I did that either.

PAYCE. (that's peace, for the slow and dim-witted. why do I insult my readers? *sigh* apologies.)

-Lilo

Remember Me?

There's very little out there that makes me feel like sharing and there are a very few amount of people who are on the receiving end of it. Yet, here I am, over a year and a half later, itching to post this quote I came across, and I have no justification for this desire.

I've read a lot of quotes in my lifetime, I've felt like a few have captured my feelings at different periods I've gone through, but *spoiler alert: cliche imminent* I feel as if this one embodies... me. Just me. I can't explain it, I can't sugarcoat it to make myself sound like less of a douchebag, or put it into acceptable terms for everyone to understand. I just feel the raw emotion behind it so deeply and it consumes me.

"Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn."
- Sylvia Plath

I chuckled as I typed her name, I would feel a connection with a person who was widely regarded as unstable, to put it mildly. But fret not, kind stranger, I shan't be sticking my head into any ovens any time soon.

-Lilo.