I hate, hate, hate that I'm identifying with a Katy Perry song, but "Wide Awake" is all sorts of genius and accurately depicts my current state of mind better than I can ever hope to put into words.
I won't get into details as to why, 'cause I'm in no mood to discuss it or elaborate in any way, so I'm going to rant in the vaguest way possible. Okay? Here goes.. I try to play the optimist sometimes, not that it ever does me any good, but it works for the happy people, so why not? I'll tell you why not, 'cause optimism comes hand in hand with hope, which invites expectations, and you know what follows expectations? Disappointment. Heaps and heaps of disappointment.
I'm often accused of being "emotionally stunted" by those closest to me, and I agree to a certain extent, 'cause I didn't grow up in an environment where freedom of expression was welcomed. Having said that, I'm going to attempt to put into words how I'm feeling right now.. I'm hurt, I'm confused, I'm angry and against my better judgement, I miss you. I don't understand why you're doing what you're doing, but I wish you'd stop and take two minutes out of your busy life to talk to me about it. I don't expect you to though, that would imply that I had some optimism left in me, and I assure you, you've officially stripped me off of that last shred of hope.
- Lilo.
P.S. Are you superstitious? I was wondering, 'cause I have a horrible feeling in my gut that I can't seem to shake and I just feel like if I left the house right now, something catastrophic would happen. My cousins think I'm crazy and are urging me to take them out, but I'm firmly standing my ground and overdosing on grey's anatomy. It's silly, right? Superstitions, that is. I don't know. *sigh*
