10:58 PM.

Every time I have a fallout with someone who happens to read my blog, I feel the need to delete it and fall off the map completely, but I refuse to this time. I don't even know if you're still checking this, but I don't really care. I'm not going to filter myself for your benefit and really, there's no use in me being upset about it anymore, I trusted the wrong person and it is what it is. I'm always excited to learn new things, so thank you for teaching me the importance of keeping my guard up. It was an inadvertent and rather cruelly taught lesson, but I'm stronger for it. I guess I just desperately wanted to believe in people again; I desperately wanted to believe in you.

On an unrelated note, I've been feeling blue lately and it's getting to me. I hate not being productive, it gives me way too much time with my thoughts. I understand that I have responsibilities at home that take precedence and my life has to be put on hold for a little while longer, but when is it okay to be selfish and want more for yourself? Never, yeah? Thought so. I'm just in a weird funk lately and I can't seem to shake it off. I feel like an exposed nerve, anything and everything is getting to me and I wish it would stop 'cause this isn't me and as I'm typing this, I'm wondering if I even know who "me" is anymore. All I know is that I feel trapped, and I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel.

Okay, enough venting for now. I've mentioned how much I love Lana Del Rey previously, yes? Good. This is my latest obsession. I don't know which I like more, the song, or the intro/outro. Anyway, this song just really hits home, so I thought I'd share.

"Who are you? Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you’re free to experience them?
I have. I am fucking crazy but I am free." and I hope to be, too, someday.

Okay, enough of my mega-emo post. Good night!

-Lilo.

Gravity Hurts.

I hate, hate, hate that I'm identifying with a Katy Perry song, but "Wide Awake" is all sorts of genius and accurately depicts my current state of mind better than I can ever hope to put into words.

I won't get into details as to why, 'cause I'm in no mood to discuss it or elaborate in any way, so I'm going to rant in the vaguest way possible. Okay? Here goes.. I try to play the optimist sometimes, not that it ever does me any good, but it works for the happy people, so why not? I'll tell you why not, 'cause optimism comes hand in hand with hope, which invites expectations, and you know what follows expectations? Disappointment. Heaps and heaps of disappointment.

I'm often accused of being "emotionally stunted" by those closest to me, and I agree to a certain extent, 'cause I didn't grow up in an environment where freedom of expression was welcomed. Having said that, I'm going to attempt to put into words how I'm feeling right now.. I'm hurt, I'm confused, I'm angry and against my better judgement, I miss you. I don't understand why you're doing what you're doing, but I wish you'd stop and take two minutes out of your busy life to talk to me about it. I don't expect you to though, that would imply that I had some optimism left in me, and I assure you, you've officially stripped me off of that last shred of hope.

- Lilo.

P.S. Are you superstitious? I was wondering, 'cause I have a horrible feeling in my gut that I can't seem to shake and I just feel like if I left the house right now, something catastrophic would happen. My cousins think I'm crazy and are urging me to take them out, but I'm firmly standing my ground and overdosing on grey's anatomy. It's silly, right? Superstitions, that is. I don't know. *sigh*

You Know What? You're Lovely*

Good morning, jellybeans! This is my first post as a university graduate. *suppresses grin*
I've had such a shitty time in KU, that I'm literally celebrating EVERY post-graduation event. This may sound ridiculous, but in practice, it's even worse. I'm talking about things like *sneezes* "OMG THAT'S MY FIRST SNEEZE AS A GRADUATE!"... yeah.

So, I suddenly have an exorbitant amount of free time on my hands and I'm utterly bored. Mostly 'cause my bestie's out of the country for the next two months and that kind of put a damper on my "fun" summer, but all shall be amended in August, hopefully. My other friends are quick to adopt the I-told-you-so attitude and go all, "I told you you'd miss it when you're done!".... trust me, I don't. I miss any semblance of productivity, yes, but miss classes? Hell no. I'm sure I'll find a hobby to keep me busy any day now, and if I don't.. well World of Warcraft is always an option to fall back on. (HAHA, I like how I say that like I'm NOT totally planning on playing again extremely soon. I'm a total dork, sue me.) In the meantime, I'm catching up with my reading and that's always a wonderful way to pass time.

That's all I have time for right now, must go shape eyebrows. *nods* One more day, and I'm going to start looking like Oscar The Grouch. Not really, but perfectionism is a bitch. 

-Lilo.

P.S. * Title is from Frank Sinatra's "I Won't Dance", somebody auditioned to it on this week's episode of SYTYCD. Great listen.

P.P.S. "Lovely" really is such a lovely word, isn't it?

We'll Be Good..

I promise, we'll be sooo good.. *sigh* brilliant song. You guys, when did Canadians become such good musicians again? I mean, I lost all hope when Satan's spawn surfaced (more commonly known as justin bieber), but I've gotta say, I'm feeling The Weeknd. I'm really, really feeling him. He's no Drake, obviously, but I must give credit where credit is due! Do yourselves a favour and listen to this.


That's all I've got to say at this very moment in time, I'm quite busy with finals, but I decided to be a good Lilo and share awesome music with you. I've got to go back to studying, and by "studying", I mean watching So You Think You Can Dance. It's a guilty pleasure, sue me.. actually, I don't even feel the slightest bit of guilt for watching it. *insert appropriate amount of shame here* Actually no, I'm not even ashamed. Hmph. 

- Lilo.

On My Mind.

I loathe drama, I sincerely do. What I fail to realise is that I AM drama. Not personally, but the events of my life would fit very nicely into a soap opera scenario and as a result of that, I'm a bit more complicated than I'd like to be.

When I warned you about all these things I cannot control, these feelings I cannot share, these actions I cannot explain, I was being honest. I wasn't creating the illusion of being inaccessible, I wasn't trying to draw you in with my "mysterious nature". I was being honest; you couldn't handle it.

But you insisted on staying. Your fascination with my world was entirely inappropriate, it is not nearly as pleasant as you make it out to be. You wanted to help, you wanted to be my "saviour", and against my better judgement, I started to wonder if you're what I was missing. I wondered if you could actually make a difference.

And I let you in.

And you disappointed me.

Story of my life.

-Lilo

S-S-Summertime, Summertime Sadness.

Song by the lovely Lana Del Rey. I'm quite obsessed with her music, it truly is brilliant, even though it's not my usual cup of tea. I think it's her borderline masochistic approach to relationships, and the fact that she says she's always singing about "the same damn guy" who she'll always love, no matter what. Something about that commitment reminds me of a previous version of myself. Previous.

Speaking of summer, I'm completely irked by its arrival. Well it isn't fully here yet, so let's just call it "its tentative knocking on the door". Okay, there's nothing tentative about it, but back to the main point, it's irksome. I heartily dislike summer, as you've probably gathered from the previous post. I think I'm possibly the only one amongst my friends who isn't completely psyched about tanning and beaches and all that jazz. I'm already tan and beaches are filthy. And the heat? Ay dios mio, NO. Noooo. *pushes it away* I much prefer biting cold or relentless rain. Rain. *insert sigh of content here*

It rained today, quite a bit. Absolutely beautiful! I drove all the way to uni and sat in my car in the parking lot, waiting for it to be 10 AM, so I can get to class. Then I realised that the weather was too lovely to waste away in classrooms, and decided to go rain-chasing. Rain-chasing? Oh, that's just a term I invented. It drizzled a little bit on my way to uni, so I decided my time would be MUCH better spent, chasing the rain. Yeah, it's not as sophisticated an explanation as you'd like it to be. *giggles to self* I went from area, to area, going on different roads, trying to find where the rain was. Some areas were rewarding, others completely disappointing. But that, paired with music ranging from Nirvana to the likes of Lana, was actually quite entertaining.

I tweeted about my plans for the day earlier, and my friend responded by saying that there was no such thing as "aimless driving about", that sooner or later, you'd always end up in the supermarket. And he was actually correct, my journey did in fact end up at the supermarket to get my ice-cream fix! Sorcery, I know.

Pralines and Cream heaven, not a terrible start to the weekend. Hope you guys have a good one! x

- Lilo.

Crazeballs

That's my current favourite word. I feel like it accurately portrays the alarmingly high level of sophistication I possess. Crazeballs. Except if it's paired with "totes", not even I can handle that.


Today, I'm going to list a few things I hate. It's only a few things, really.


*insert sweet, misleading smile here*

• When people make excessively huge deals about their birthdays. Calm your ducking tips. (censored, obviously.) I feel very nice for saying WHEN people do that, and not saying that I hate the people themselves.

• The number 5. Looks like a knocked-up ho. And no numbers should come after 4, as it is perfect in every way.

• Seafood. It all tastes like rubber, as does halloum. Yeah, I also hate cheese.

• Self-proclaimed "Grammar Nazis" with poor grammar. Yes, this time I'm actually hating on the people. Claiming that you're a grammar nazi doesn't magically elevate your level of intelligence, or whatever it is you're going for.. it just makes you look like twice the douchebag when you fuck something up.

• When people leave spaces before question/exclamation marks. Are you questioning the space? Is there something particularly exciting about the space? EXPLAIN THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE SPACE, PLEASE.

• The colour yellow. I always associate it with sick people, and it makes me sad.

• Excessively cheerful people before noon. No, just no. Which brings me to my next thing, the sun. I heartily dislike the sun.

• "Group projects". Yeah, me. All me, and I have to share the satisfaction of presenting an excellent project with bimbos who can't even spell my last name. Which is written on the cover page of everything *I* hand in on behalf of the "group". Yeah.

• Sundays. Self-explanatory.

Ha. Told you it'd only be a few things. Trust me, I have WAY more.

P.S. The electricity just went out in the entire house for no apparent reason, fun stuff.

- Lilo.