Boredom.

It's that lovely time again, when I have to go to the lovely hospital and wait an hour to get my mum's lovely medication. Lovely! And to make things even... lovelier, the doctor is late so it's going to take even longer. I don't understand the inefficiency and downright lack of professionalism in hospitals here, it drives me nuts. This hospital especially, I spent a good portion of the worst days of my life here and it always puts me a little on edge having to be here. Always. I usually have someone accompanying me, but I'm on my own today. *sad face*

I found a blogger app on the App Store, I'm basically posting to both alleviate my boredom by making time go by faster and to test it out. I'm gonna just start listing random things on my mind now, and you can't stop me 'cause well.. you just can't.

- I feel I'm a little schizophrenic when I post on here, I really am just talking to myself in public, it's not like anyone's really reading this.

- I hate kids who stare openly at me, I don't feel like they should be held to an easier set of rules 'cause they don't know better, polite is polite. hmph. This kid next to me is staring, so I stared back until he looked away. THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE. Others have the audacity to just keep staring and like, enough already you creepy midgets. :(

- I make about 10,000 useless trips to the supermarket a day with my cousins, solely to listen to music and scream along to it in my car. It's awesome and embarrassing 'cause we almost always get caught by people in cars next to us who then proceed to make fun of us or follow us home. I don't even know why they'd do that!

- LOL at arabs celebrating Obama's extended presidency. It tickles me how involved they are in this election that has nothing to do with them, there's being influenced by American culture, then there's deluding yourself into thinking you're American. But whatever, I'm not going to pretend to be interested in politics, I just found it funny.

- My dad, who avoids hospitals at all costs is getting a full checkup done. This is worrisome, I'm very concerned, but I'm trying not to expect the worst.

- The other doctor just arrived, hopefully they'll give me the prescription back sometime soon. *sigh*

- I know I just posted a song of the week, but my song for today is "Think of You" by A Fine Frenzy. "Just to put your mind at ease, you don't owe me anything, you paid me well in memories." Beautiful.

Okay, my phone is dying and I've already went on for too long. Going to post this now, hopefully it won't share all my pictures, address and number. Don't look at me like that, I don't trust the Internet!

P.S. This is either my lack of sleep or paranoia, but I swear to god, I just heard the child hiss my name. HISS. :(

-Lilo.

Changin' It Up.

So, I've done the little miss gloom and doom thing for a bit too long. Today, I woke up deciding to focus on the positive.. I know, I'm incredibly bipolar, but I'm gonna lie to myself and say it's all part of my charm. *bats eyelashes*

So, things I'm grateful for today:

• Random appreciation messages. (H randomly whatsapped me saying that she's glad I'm her only friend, 'cause having me means she doesn't need another. I love this girl.)
• H, herself. My only source of unconditional love, blind faith and endless support. 
• Belated apologies. Thank you again, it meant a lot to me. 
• My family, namely my crazy cousin M for helping me out around the house more than anyone else.
• Revlon's "Wine With Everything" lipstick. *pouts*
• Essie's "Mint Candy Apple" nail polish. I'm feeling ultra girly today, forgive me. 
• Coffee, coffee and coffee. No explanations necessary. 
• BOOTS. Not the store, feet boots. Wow, that sounded dumb. I'm not so much into shoes, but boots are my weakness and winter is right around the corner! *insert squeals here*
• The XX. Brilliant British indie pop band.  Song of the week? Sunset. 

10:58 PM.

Every time I have a fallout with someone who happens to read my blog, I feel the need to delete it and fall off the map completely, but I refuse to this time. I don't even know if you're still checking this, but I don't really care. I'm not going to filter myself for your benefit and really, there's no use in me being upset about it anymore, I trusted the wrong person and it is what it is. I'm always excited to learn new things, so thank you for teaching me the importance of keeping my guard up. It was an inadvertent and rather cruelly taught lesson, but I'm stronger for it. I guess I just desperately wanted to believe in people again; I desperately wanted to believe in you.

On an unrelated note, I've been feeling blue lately and it's getting to me. I hate not being productive, it gives me way too much time with my thoughts. I understand that I have responsibilities at home that take precedence and my life has to be put on hold for a little while longer, but when is it okay to be selfish and want more for yourself? Never, yeah? Thought so. I'm just in a weird funk lately and I can't seem to shake it off. I feel like an exposed nerve, anything and everything is getting to me and I wish it would stop 'cause this isn't me and as I'm typing this, I'm wondering if I even know who "me" is anymore. All I know is that I feel trapped, and I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel.

Okay, enough venting for now. I've mentioned how much I love Lana Del Rey previously, yes? Good. This is my latest obsession. I don't know which I like more, the song, or the intro/outro. Anyway, this song just really hits home, so I thought I'd share.

"Who are you? Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you’re free to experience them?
I have. I am fucking crazy but I am free." and I hope to be, too, someday.

Okay, enough of my mega-emo post. Good night!

-Lilo.

Gravity Hurts.

I hate, hate, hate that I'm identifying with a Katy Perry song, but "Wide Awake" is all sorts of genius and accurately depicts my current state of mind better than I can ever hope to put into words.

I won't get into details as to why, 'cause I'm in no mood to discuss it or elaborate in any way, so I'm going to rant in the vaguest way possible. Okay? Here goes.. I try to play the optimist sometimes, not that it ever does me any good, but it works for the happy people, so why not? I'll tell you why not, 'cause optimism comes hand in hand with hope, which invites expectations, and you know what follows expectations? Disappointment. Heaps and heaps of disappointment.

I'm often accused of being "emotionally stunted" by those closest to me, and I agree to a certain extent, 'cause I didn't grow up in an environment where freedom of expression was welcomed. Having said that, I'm going to attempt to put into words how I'm feeling right now.. I'm hurt, I'm confused, I'm angry and against my better judgement, I miss you. I don't understand why you're doing what you're doing, but I wish you'd stop and take two minutes out of your busy life to talk to me about it. I don't expect you to though, that would imply that I had some optimism left in me, and I assure you, you've officially stripped me off of that last shred of hope.

- Lilo.

P.S. Are you superstitious? I was wondering, 'cause I have a horrible feeling in my gut that I can't seem to shake and I just feel like if I left the house right now, something catastrophic would happen. My cousins think I'm crazy and are urging me to take them out, but I'm firmly standing my ground and overdosing on grey's anatomy. It's silly, right? Superstitions, that is. I don't know. *sigh*

You Know What? You're Lovely*

Good morning, jellybeans! This is my first post as a university graduate. *suppresses grin*
I've had such a shitty time in KU, that I'm literally celebrating EVERY post-graduation event. This may sound ridiculous, but in practice, it's even worse. I'm talking about things like *sneezes* "OMG THAT'S MY FIRST SNEEZE AS A GRADUATE!"... yeah.

So, I suddenly have an exorbitant amount of free time on my hands and I'm utterly bored. Mostly 'cause my bestie's out of the country for the next two months and that kind of put a damper on my "fun" summer, but all shall be amended in August, hopefully. My other friends are quick to adopt the I-told-you-so attitude and go all, "I told you you'd miss it when you're done!".... trust me, I don't. I miss any semblance of productivity, yes, but miss classes? Hell no. I'm sure I'll find a hobby to keep me busy any day now, and if I don't.. well World of Warcraft is always an option to fall back on. (HAHA, I like how I say that like I'm NOT totally planning on playing again extremely soon. I'm a total dork, sue me.) In the meantime, I'm catching up with my reading and that's always a wonderful way to pass time.

That's all I have time for right now, must go shape eyebrows. *nods* One more day, and I'm going to start looking like Oscar The Grouch. Not really, but perfectionism is a bitch. 

-Lilo.

P.S. * Title is from Frank Sinatra's "I Won't Dance", somebody auditioned to it on this week's episode of SYTYCD. Great listen.

P.P.S. "Lovely" really is such a lovely word, isn't it?

We'll Be Good..

I promise, we'll be sooo good.. *sigh* brilliant song. You guys, when did Canadians become such good musicians again? I mean, I lost all hope when Satan's spawn surfaced (more commonly known as justin bieber), but I've gotta say, I'm feeling The Weeknd. I'm really, really feeling him. He's no Drake, obviously, but I must give credit where credit is due! Do yourselves a favour and listen to this.


That's all I've got to say at this very moment in time, I'm quite busy with finals, but I decided to be a good Lilo and share awesome music with you. I've got to go back to studying, and by "studying", I mean watching So You Think You Can Dance. It's a guilty pleasure, sue me.. actually, I don't even feel the slightest bit of guilt for watching it. *insert appropriate amount of shame here* Actually no, I'm not even ashamed. Hmph. 

- Lilo.

On My Mind.

I loathe drama, I sincerely do. What I fail to realise is that I AM drama. Not personally, but the events of my life would fit very nicely into a soap opera scenario and as a result of that, I'm a bit more complicated than I'd like to be.

When I warned you about all these things I cannot control, these feelings I cannot share, these actions I cannot explain, I was being honest. I wasn't creating the illusion of being inaccessible, I wasn't trying to draw you in with my "mysterious nature". I was being honest; you couldn't handle it.

But you insisted on staying. Your fascination with my world was entirely inappropriate, it is not nearly as pleasant as you make it out to be. You wanted to help, you wanted to be my "saviour", and against my better judgement, I started to wonder if you're what I was missing. I wondered if you could actually make a difference.

And I let you in.

And you disappointed me.

Story of my life.

-Lilo